Downtown Durham is fatigued but resilient. It resembles a city that is old and worn, but still sparkles in the interwoven hands of its community. Walking down Main Street, it could be easy to pass by this spunky storefront–thinking the chairs displayed behind the beaded curtains in the protruded windows hold perhaps an antique shop. But the glowing blue lights that read “Wine Bar” blink otherwise. Looking down, the bright checkered floors guide guests into the doorway lit by flickering fairy lights of Killer Queen Wine Bar.

 

From the moment the door opens, the energy shifts. Deep turquoise walls liven the narrow space, like waves of the ocean flowing with invigorating spirit. Eccentric and delicately crafted artwork extending the length of room displays meticulous taste. Art pieces illuminating the female body exude strength and pride. Colorful vintage chairs scattered about give the impression that maybe this is a curated antique shop, but in actuality it is a spirited wine bar, and this day is now a celebration of you.

 

As I take a seat at the small but sturdy white marble bar, Caitlin pours me a shot glass of water and asks how my day is going. Silvia places a menu with a unique and funky wine list in front of me. Within a few minutes, Lindsay runs a cheese board to my seat as a thank you for being a loved and regular bar guest.

 

Silvia Gallo dreamt of opening her own wine bar. A space that celebrates its community and radiates welcoming energy. She always felt drawn to this particular spot of downtown. “It should be a wine bar,” she said. “It’s supposed to be, it always has been.” In fall of 2021 with her business partner Lindsay Webb, she did.

 

When Caitlin Greene came through the doors looking for a job, Silivia questioned if she would really want to work here based upon her past work experience. But after spending time with her, she immediately sensed a kindred free-spirited soul that would fulfill the needs of her guests.

 

“Caitlin needed a little more uplifting energy for a minute. And I'm so grateful that she understands how to take care of people. That's why we opened this place. To create and care for the community,” said Silvia.

 

Caitlin is a bartender by night and a death doula by day. To some, this seems an unusual pairing. To Caitlin, it’s all interconnected. It balances her skills and helps her be the most mentally and physically healthy she’s been in years.

 

“Death doula,” or “death worker” some prefer, is not a term familiar to many. It is someone who cares for those who are dying, and oftentimes their loved ones as well. Death doulas are there to support the end of life process in ways that others can’t.

 

“I'm really passionate about working on legacy work with clients. If they know that they have a specific process that they want to leave behind for other people,” said Caitlin. “One thing that people can do is take their journals and put them in a bind, a published kind of book that is a keepsake.”

 

Going through this process with people turns into a life interview–thinking about what they loved during their lifetime, and gives them a sense of peace by being able to walk through what they have done in their life. 

 

She offers 2-3 grief counseling sessions for clients’ loved ones after they pass, although maintains the boundaries that she is a doula and not a grief therapist.

 

“I see people wanting to hyperfocus on the details of experiences. People focus on the most minute things from the outside when their loved ones are dying because they just want something to have control over,” said Caitlin.

 

Relaxing back into my bar chair watching her screw out wine corks as she chatters with other bar guests at ease, I began to wonder how Caitlin got to this interesting dichotomy of jobs.

 

She used to be a hospice nurse. Well first, she received an English journalism degree. As many journalists do, she switched careers. She ended up going back to school for nursing and worked as a nurse for 7 years, the last several of those years as a hospice nurse. That’s when the interest in end of life work truly began. Working at the bedside of someone in their last days, Caitlin began to see the major gaps in hospice care–most of these gaps falling on the primary caregivers. 

 

“They didn’t have a good understanding of what it looks like to sustain life whenever a person is so close to death,” said Caitlin. 

 

After experiencing a personal injury, she physically could not continue working as a nurse. This is when the transition to death doula and Killer Queen began. She stumbled upon death doulas through her own research and reached out to one in the area who soon became her close friend and business partner, Lori Chapman. With a new interest and friend, she decided to begin the training process. Death doula training looks different for every organization because it isn’t a license or regulated field. Hers happened to be all online due to the COVID-19 pandemic. 

 

“I did my training with the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA). The president, Henry Fersko-Weiss, started INELDA through a model for his training based off of birth doulas. He was a social worker,” said Caitlin.

 

There are many similarities between birth doulas and death doulas. The physiological changes the body endures toward the end of life are seen in almost everyone and are similar to the changes of a pregnant person getting ready to deliver. 

 

“You're preparing for new life coming in versus preparing for the loss of life. There is a type of grief, anticipatory grief. And I think that would probably be actually really similar to the anticipatory preparations that people go through before a baby,” said Caitlin.

 

Every doula is different and because of the lack of regulation, they have the ease of being different and more specialized based upon skills and preferences. Caitlin prefers to work with the client and their loved ones. Right now, she works mostly from referral, and hand in hand with Lori.

 

“One thing that I'm really excited to do with people is, I call it ‘pre-planning.’ It’s so hard to know what to call things for death marketing because nobody wants to talk about death. But I like to work with people who don’t necessarily have a terminal illness, and just pre-plan with them what they would want to happen if they did pass,” said Caitlin.

 

As someone who likes a slow morning drinking her coffee in silence to start her day, Caitlin enjoys the flexibility that her schedule allows. With a wandering spirit, she is more akin to a hummingbird that flutters from one thing to the next throughout the workday. This spirit flows into Killer Queen. 

 

Although some may not see a connection between pouring wine and end of life work, this bartender mentions that when she was still working as a nurse, people would often ask what job she had in the past that was most similar to nursing, and she was quick to answer that it was tables.

 

“I have a semi-regular at Killer Queen who comes from a medical background as well. He was watching me get orders in, fill them, and then just talk to everybody and was like ‘This is exactly the same as nursing. It's just your tickets are coming from a machine, not from a doctor.’ He just saw how talking to people at the bar is really similar to having a bedside manner,” said Caitlin. “Lots of people hear “death doula” or “nurse” and think it's a totally different ballgame, but it's really not. It's just about having presence and being there for people.”

 

Caitlin reflects that she doesn’t miss nursing as much as she thought she would, and being able to work in her dichotomy of jobs fills the needs she has for herself. Adhering to strict boundaries truly helps her mental balance in both roles. 

 

“One part about being a doula is if people want you to be a mirror for them, you can be a mirror for them. But you're never fixing anybody, you're always just meeting people with where they’re at. No matter what, at the end of the day, they're going to die. You're never going to be able to fix that,” said Caitlin. “So it’s just coming in knowing what you can and can't do. And being really aware of not having control and wanting to hold onto things.”

 

Although her daytime work may be mentally taxing at times, she has the autonomy to be able to determine how many clients she takes on. As evening falls over the city of Durham, she leaves death behind and traipses off to Killer Queen where the celebration of life begins. As Silvia would say, she basically gets to host a party every night. 

 

Bartending is her bread and butter money, and probably always will be because she only has a certain bandwidth to take on so many new clients–hence the strict boundaries.

 

“For the longest time the service industry has had this reputation that people are doing it because they can’t do anything else, are down on their luck, or that it’s not a choice. People are so surprised whenever I say my nursing background or doula,” said Caitlin.

 

But Caitlin feels both of her roles are fulfilling, and finds many connections between the two. She is grateful for the close-knit intimate community of the unique wine bar.

 

“I didn’t expect to have as many regulars as quickly as I did. Whenever they don't show up that week, I’m looking for them and sad. I love that part of it,” said Caitlin. “That part reminds me of whenever I did hospice home health, because I got to see the same thing week in, week out. So that part is really nice, being able to have a real relationship with people.”

 

The sun slowly fades behind the downtown buildings as the sounds of stemware clinks and deep bellied laughter fill the narrow bar. Sun beams shoot through the window and bounce off the artwork on the walls, as if making their presence known before saying goodnight. I feel energized and cared for from my Durham community, after thoughtful conversations over my favorite Tempranillo. A visit to this wine bar is much more than just a 6 oz pour.

 

“It's important that it’s a mutual exchange of energy. You need an income to live on this planet, but you shouldn't do this world if you're not interested in connection,” said Silvia.